Nascar’s Anger Management Classes

Was gonna wait for someone to look at it…but here goes. Never done this before so no where near as good as Shae’s….

Instructor: Now, I’m sure we all know why we are here.

Everyone: (unemotional) Anger Management…

Instructor.: Well, let’s show a little more enthusiasm…

Matt: Why am I here? I never have anger problems!

Instructor: Yeah that is the problem.

Matt: What? That doesn’t make ANY sense!

Dale Jr: Dude, you can’t lose it once in a while?

Tony: Yeah. Do we have to bump your ass for you to respond?

Dale Jr: Heh, Good one Tony!

Instructor: Ok, let’s not jump all over each other..

Tony: No wait seriously what is up?

Matt: What? You want me to lose it right here and now?

Instructor: No, no, let’s not get crazy now!

Tony.: Yeah! C’mon show some anger! Hit Kurt! (laughs)

Kurt: Hey! What did I do?

Instructor: Enough! Tony you wanna come here every single day?

Tony: No, no, I’m sorry. I ‘ll be good.

Rusty: HAHA!

Tony: Excuse me! Did you exhale or do you have something to say to me?

Dale Jr.: Dudes!

Instructor: Ok, Tony don’t get all paranoid. This isn’t WWF.

Jimmy: I never EVER forget!

Kurt: SHUT UP!!!

Everyone: WE KNOW JIMMY!

Matt: Seriously can I go?

J. Gordon is asleep in the chair.

Tony: (noticing) Can I pinch him?

Instructor: No.

Tony: I assure you it will awake him. (laughs)

Instructor: No.

Tony: Well, this sucks…Jeff can sleep and we get yelled at. What fun this is…(slumps back in chair, arms folded.)

Matt: Quit complaining, Tony! Do you really think we ALL wanna be here?

Dale Jr: (taking sucker out of his mouth) I do! Because it keeps me away from the media.

Instructor.: Alright can we move on. Let’s talk about the punch to Kurt.

Tony: HAHA! Rubber boy got it!

Kurt: Shut up, Depot!

Tony: Yup, that’s my sponsor. Thanks for the plug in.

Instructor: Ok, so Jimmy why did you hit Kurt?

Dale Jr snickers.

Jimmy: Well dumbo ears…

Instructor: Can we have the name calling to a minimum, please?

Jimmy: He was talkin’ all shit about how he wanted to take me out. I‘M SO SICK OF THIS BOY!!

Jimmy Lunges toward Kurt.

Instructor: SECURITY!

Everyone starts laughing. Jimmy gets taken away by a police officer.

Jeff finally awakes.

Tony: Oops, woke the beast.

Jeff Gordon: Huh?

Instructor: Glad you can join us.

Jeff: What’s going on?

Tony: Uh, duh, we’re in Anger Management. Something I strongly recommend you paying attention to!

Jeff: What the hell? Why are you getting on my case?

Tony: Because I didn’t appreciate the finger you gave me. Didn’t think I saw it, huh?

Instructor: Whoa. Ok Tony tell your story.

Matt: Seriously I don’t belong here.

Everyone: SHUT UP!

Tony: Jeff thought I was holding him up or in his way, whatever. He gives me the finger!

Jeff: Oh. my. God! Who frickin’ cares? Dude I give the finger all the time…look (flips the bird.)

Everyone: OOOOO!!

Instructor: Jeff that was uncalled for!

Matt: (sarcastically) This is fun… Seriously fun.

Tony: Hey, aren’t you the one that said (mocking) ‘quit complaining’, a moment ago? Practice what you preach, boy.


Dale Jr: (looking around) Hey, Where the hell is Kurt?

Tony: (slightly laugh) Probably getting pounced by Jimmy.

The Instructor stares at Tony. Tony notices.

Tony: (serious) Umm, sorry.

Instructor: Why this sarcasm Tony? It’s more than usual.

Tony: Sorry, I’m just tired of getting bit by the fucking fuel bug! I’m tired of these finishes…Damn where is Kurt when you need him?

Instructor: Can we get to the point before Jeff or myself falls asleep again, please?

Tony: HAHA, I can see it now in the headlines: Anger Management Instructor Falls Asleep During His Own Session.

Dale Jr: What the hell? Now where did Matt go?

Everyone looks around. No Matt in sight!


Robby Gordon appears at the door.

Instructor: Hey Robby come on in!

Tony/Jeff: Oh boy!

Jeff: So is Happy gonna join us? I have a few choice words for him.

Dale Jr: You’re still on that? Two weeks ago bro.

Jeff: Hey, I’m not happy with you either so shut it!

Robby: Wow, this looks like a great crowd. Let’s see…(he glances around the room) I’ve screwed over each and everyone of you. HAHA!

Instructor: Not a good way to start Rubby, (shakes head) er Robby!

Dale Jr/Tony: HAHA!

Instructor: Sorry, man. Major slip up. I am beginning to feel we’ll never get to why we are here. Here we are one hour later and we haven’t talked about the main topic.

Everyone suddenly grows quiet, as Mike Helton walks in.

Mike: Hey, how is it going in here? Getting through to these guys?

Instructor: (lying) Yeah. All is great.

Mike: Good to hear. I’ll be going now. Remember if you need me to help keep these boys in line, I’m a phone call away.

Instructor: Yeah I will keep that in mind.

Mike nods and heads out. After the door is closed.

Instructor: Boys. I am disappointed in all of you! Why am I disappointed?

Complete silence fills the room.




Bringing back Anger Management, one we have an off week and two, well, it’s high time!

Instructor: Well, it’s been a long time coming for this class to resume. I’m ashamed to say., lessons have not been learned. So now we REALLY have to tighten the leashes. First order of business… roll call.

Tony Stewart: Seriously, do we have do this AGAIN?

Clint Bowyer: Apparently, since you are the media whore again.

Everyone: OOOOooooo!

Tony: Better shut your trap, rookie.

Instructor: Ok, guys, cool it!

Ryan: You’re the main reason we EVEN have anger management, Tony.

Tony: Should I take you fishing again, Ryan?

Carl Edwards: (pointing at Tony) YOU are in great need of this class, dumbass.

Instructor: You ALL are in need of this class!

Jeff Gordon: Why me?

Matt Kenseth: Don’t make me laugh, Jeff.

Instructor: (throws the book in the air) Screw roll call.

Robby Gordon: (laughing) He’s rubbin off on ya, Smoke.

Tony: (warning) Watch it. I ain’t done with you either!

Robby: See, you need anger management.

Tony: And you need to go back to driving school!

Clint: (to Tony) More like YOU need to go to driving school, you can’t keep your damn car straight!

Tony: Hey Rookie, you’re lucky it wasn‘t worse!

Matt Kenseth: At least he didn’t take you out at 190 MPH!

Tony: I thought you and I were good.

Matt: Yeah, sorry. I guess I’m just pissed and since you seem to be the center of the attack. .. I’m sorry.

Instructor: What are you mad at Matt?

Matt: ‘Cause, Jeffy, here should get a book of the ‘bump and run’ and how to do it the RIGHT way!

Jeff: Matt, that was an accident!

Matt: Yeah right. Who here thinks Jeff paid me back for the Bristol spin?

Everyone in the class, even the Instructor raises his hand.

Jeff: (shocked) Mr. Helton-Instructor?

Tony: How does it feel, Jeff?

Instructor: C’mon, Jeff. How can you argue that? In your interview you said you’d do that again.

Jeff: (defensive) I did not!

Instructor: We have the transcript. You also said that Tony should expect that, too. Right there sounds intentional.

Tony turns his attention towards Jeff again.

Tony: What was that?

Jeff: (feeling the room close in.) I just said that if you were in Matt’s place, since I owe you one and we were going for the win, I wouldn’t think twice about it.

Tony: Oh, ok.

Instructor: You aren‘t gonna strangle him, Tony?

Tony: Hey, as I said before, if he wants to get into a crashing war, his choice.

Dale Jr: Why am I here, again?

Instructor: Because you are on the outside looking in.

Dale Jr: What?

Instructor: Points.

Dale Jr: Ahh. So?

Instructor: Since now that I can begin the lesson. If there is anymore spinning others, not only will you be fined and black flagged, I will consider parking you too. I do not want payback on the track. If you have a problem with another, take it outside the premises.

Tony: So you are suggesting we kick each others asses on off weeks?

Instructor: I am not suggesting any of that but if you have a problem with a guy, do it on your own time and no where near NASCAR grounds. Understand?

All: Yes, Mr. Helton-Instructor.

Instructor: Good. Now, next order of business. We are going to Indy so I expect you all to be on your best behavior.

Dale Jr: What if someone like Skinner takes me out again? Do I have your permission to kick their ass? Since I would owe them?

Instructor: No.

Tony: What if they spin you on pit road, can you beat the shit out of them?

Instructor: No.

Kasey Kahne: How about if we’re on the last lap and we get spun? Can we chase them down and do the same?

Instructor: No.

Jefff: So, what can we do?

Instructor: Leave it to NASCAR to deal with them.

Tony: (sarcastic) Oh goodie.

Matt: Like NASCAR did justice to Jeff for his actions in Chicago?

Instructor: We felt at the time, it was a racing accident.

Matt: And now?

Instructor: It stays the way it is.

Matt: (under his breath) Yeah. Justice done.

Tony: Oh, that reminds me. Jr, will you thank Mikey for repaying Ryan?

Dale Jr: He’s not my teammate anymore, remember?

Tony: Oh yeah. I guess I will have to catch him later.

Instructor: So next order of business…

Tony: How much shit do we have to go through today?

Instructor: Thank you, Tony, for being a perfect example of my next lesson. Language. We are going to monitor your radios more than ever before.

Tony: Oh, you have GOT to be fucking kidding me?!

Instructor: No, I’m not, by the way, that just cost you 5,000 dollars.

Tony: Whatever.

Robby: Hey, Tony, are you sure you didn’t move back to Charlotte?

Tony: Shut up.

Instructor: ENOUGH!

Tony: Did you just yell at us?

Instructor: I can’t believe I can’t have one single session without you guys acting like 5 yr olds.

Carl: (pointing to Tony) He started it!

Jeff: (leans into Carl) Great example.

Instructor: What was that, Jeff?

Jeff: Nothing.

Instructor: Anymore outburst. Anymore finger pointing. It will cost you. Got it?

Everyone: Yes, Mr. Helton-Instructor.

Instructor: Good.

Instructor: Any thing else?

Jeff: Uh, yeah. Hey, Jr, do you not know how to bump draft at Daytona? Is that why DEI isn’t dominating there anymore, because you lost the ‘zone’?

Dale Jr: Hey, Jeff. Ever consider frickin’ winning without frickin’ controversy?

Tony: (giving Jr a high five) Nice one.

Instructor: That’s it! All you report back here first thing tomorrow morning!

Matt: But tomorrow is Saturday.

Instructor: (pissed) I don’t give a damn! I guess you won’t be able to sleep in till 11. I expect you back here tomorrow 8 sharp. DISMISSED!


Per request and hell I just enjoy doing these anyway…

Instructor: Ok, it’s 8 o ‘clock! Where the hell is everyone?

Clint Bowyer: Did you just say a bad word?

Instructor: Clint, I know you are a rookie and all but ‘hell’ is not a bad word. And where is Tony?

Carl Edwards raises his hand.

Instructor: Yes, Carl?

Carl: I know where he is.

Instructor: Care to share that information?

Carl: I can’t.

Instructor: Why?

Carl: Well, you see he um, told me that if I told you where he was, he would uh, put snakes in my car.

Clint: So that is what he meant when he said I better check my car?

Carl: Uh, no. For you, he has other plans.

Instructor: Ok, Carl, why would he put snakes in your car?

Carl: Because I accidentally and I mean accidentally stepped on Mo’s tail.

Jeff Gordon walks in right when Carl confesses.

Jeff: You stepped on his monkey? That is cold.

Carl: Hey, it was an accident. I swear! You know me, I wouldn’t harm an animal on purpose.

Instructor: So, he said he would put snakes in your car?

Carl: No, he said that he would IF I told you where he was.

Instructor: Ahhh.

Jeff: I’m surprised he didn’t kill you. He cherishes that thing.

Carl: Tell me about it.

Instructor: Alright, where is Jr?

Jeff: I know where he is.

Instructor: And let me guess you can’t tell me, right?

Jeff: I can.

Instructor: Ok.

Jeff: I won’t.

Instructor: Why?

Jeff: Because we don’t tattle on each other. This isn’t kindergarten.

Instructor: Could’ve fooled me.

Robby Gordon finally walks in.

Instructor: Nice of you to join us, Robby.

Robby: Where is everyone?

Instructor: Late. What is your excuse?

Robby: I don’t really have one.

Instructor: So why are you late?

Robby: (checks watch) I’m ten minutes late? Damn. Will that cost me?

Instructor: Oh yeah!

Matt Kenseth finally walks in.

Matt: Why did we have to meet at 8 on a Saturday?

Instructor: And good morning to you too.

Matt: I’m not in the mood.

Jeff: Yeah, we’ve noticed. What is up with you lately?

Matt: You!

Instructor: Ok, cool it! We are going to have a special guest today.

Jeff: Oh, goodie. Who?

Instructor: You will soon find out. So let’s see, the absent so far are Tony, Jr, and Ryan?

Matt: Wouldn’t it be funny if they were all playing poker together?

Jeff/Carl: Shhhhh.

Instructor: (yells) WHAT? They are playing poker, while we are having an anger management course?!

Jeff: Great going Matt. Now you set him off.

Instructor: (continuing on his rant) I can’t frickin’ believe this shit! I waste MY Saturday, teaching YOU pain in the asses…

Jeff: (interrupting) Hey Mike.

Instructor: (yells) What?

Jeff: You forgot that they were scheduled to be on Mikey’s Poker Showdown, huh?

Instructor: (calmer) That’s this week?

Carl: Yeah. Didn’t you find it odd that they didn’t argue with you yesterday?

Instructor: Now that you mention it… Whatever, as I was saying…

Darrell Waltrip walks in the trailer.

Robby: Is this our special guest?

Instructor: Yup!

DW: What’s up boys?

Carl: What are you doing here?

DW: I’m here to teach you guys a lesson.

Jeff: You are going to teach US?

DW: Yup!

Robby: What are you gonna teach us? How to say ‘Boogity, boogity, boogity’?

All the guys laugh.

Instructor: Rubby..(shakes his head) er Robby, (to himself) Man, what is with that? (to Robby) Go to the chalk board and write ‘I will not talk out of turn again.’

Robby: Are you kidding me?

Instructor: No, I am not! I am so sick of you guys! So now I am leaving it to DW, to keep you guys in line.

Robby goes to the chalkboard.

Robby: How long do I have to do this?

Instructor: Till I get back.

Robby: Where are you going?

Instructor: Add this to your message. ‘I will not ask stupid questions!’

Mr. Helton-Instructor walks out.

DW: Now, I’m sure we all know why we are here.

Everyone: (flatly) Anger Management…

DW.: Well, let’s show a little more enthusiasm…

Matt: Why am I here? I didn‘t go and shove anyone, unlike someone I know!

Jeff: Oh, my god! Let it go, man.

Matt: I owe you, Jeff!

Jeff: Oh you do, huh?

Matt: Yeah! I do!

Jeff: (louder) Oh, you DO, huh!

DW: Ok, let’s not jump all over each other…

Matt: (matching Jeff’s tone) Yeah, next chance I get!

Jeff: We’ll see about that!

Robby: Damn, Jeff, you have turned into your own evil twin. Are you freaking out that you won’t make the chase AGAIN?

Jeff closes in on Robby.

Jeff: (shoves Robby) Hey! At least I have a chance! Will you ever amount to anything?

Robby shoves back. DW walks over to intervene before it gets out of hand.

Kevin Harvick walks in.

Kevin: Wow!

DW: (to Kevin) Hey Rookie! Come help me out here!

Kevin: Nah, Jeff is doing me a favor.

DW: So, you are just gonna stand there?

Kevin: No.

Kevin walks over to the action.

Kevin: I’m gonna stand here and watch.

Matt, Clint and Carl laugh.

Mr. Helton-Instructor comes back with another person.

Instructor: (after seeing the chaos) What is the hell is going on here!



Instructor: I said, what in the hell is going on here?!

Jeff stops attacking Robby, gets up and walks over toward Mike and guest.

Jeff: Hammond? What are you doing here?

Instructor: I brought Hammond here, to join us for a game of poker, since my class doesn‘t…(Mike stops and looks over at Robby, who is sprawled out on the floor.) Jeff, what in the hell did you do to Robby?

JeffG: What he deserved. So we’re gonna play poker instead of being lectured?

Mike walks over to where Robby is slowly getting up. He helps Robby to his feet.

Instructor: Not exactly. (looks over at Jeff) Why did you beat up Robby?

JeffG: I wouldn’t call a punch to the gut beating him up but, he was pissing me off, like usual and I have wanted to do that for so long!

Instructor: (glaring at all the other guys) And all of you just stood there, watching this happen?

All at the same time: Pretty much!/Yeah!/He had it coming!

Instructor: (lecturing) You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Now, Jeff, apologize.

JeffG: (coldly) Sorry.

Hammond: So are we still gonna play?

Instructor: I don‘t know. Maybe I should put them all in time out? I swear they are worse than high school kids. Bunch of barbarians. So, if I let you play poker, are you gonna go beat the shit outta each other if you lose?

All: No Mr. Helton-Instructor.

Instructor: Ok. Robby. Are you feeling ok to join us?

He nods.

Robby: But keep Jiffy Pop, here away from me!

Matt snickers.

JeffG: Shut up, Rubby!

Instructor: (glaring toward Matt) Ok. Jeff, you sit over here, next to me. I guess I’m gonna have to keep an extra eye on you. What has gotten into lately, Jeff?

JeffG: Nothing. Let’s just play alright? (He sits next to Mike as told.)

Hammond: Wait. We have nine people here. How are we going to play? One of us will have to sit out…

Jeff/Matt/Kevin: Robby!

Instructor: No! No one will have to sit out. We have three more people coming any minute now.

Matt: Who?

Just then Tony, Jr and Ryan walk in.

Clint: But I thought they were in Vegas?

Instructor: Nope, there plane couldn’t take off, due to weather, so they had to ground the flight. And since they are just as much in need of this class. I told them to report here immediately.

JeffG: Boy, I bet they loved hearing from you.

Tony: Now, this is what I call a party! (looks over at the group and ends his gaze on Robby who was sporting a new black eye) Wow! Walk into a door again there, Robby?

Robby: (glaring) Yeah. And that door was Jeff.

Tony: Jeff did THAT to you? Jeff, I had no idea you had it in you.

Instructor: (looking over at Jeff) You told me that you hit him in the stomach.

JeffG: Well, yeah. That too.

Jr snickers.

Ryan: Remind me to never mess with you these days.

DW: Ok, now we can play. Sit down boys! I’m gonna teach you a few things.

Clint: So that is what you meant? You’re gonna teach us Poker?

DW: You got it rookie!

JeffG: Do I need to remind you all, I was on Celebrity Poker Showdown?

Tony: Oh, you were? So, you musta hit the loser lounge in the first hand, huh?

Ryan/Jr/Robby/Matt: BURN!

Tony; I’m just teasing. Let’s go. Might I remind you all that I WON on Mikey’s Poker Showdown?

Jr and Ryan roll their eyes.

Tony: I saw that! Prepare to give me all your money!

Instructor: Uh, we aren’t playing for money.

Tony: Well what are we playing for? If we are playing for Pepsi, I’m out.

He starts to get up.

Instructor: No. Sit down.

He does.

Instructor: We are playing for points.

All: I’m out!

They all get up.

Instructor: No. ALL OF YOU SIT, NOW!

They all obey.

Instructor: When you win a hand, these chips (he reveals the chips) will buy you back lost points. For example, Jeff, you lost 25 points for shoving Matt, so you can slowly work your way back onto my good side by doing this.

Tony: (whispers to Jeff) Better forfeit now.

Jeff: Are you trying to start something with me?

Instructor: Enough. Look, it’s either this or back to the sit in the corner for time out. I figured we’d make this more worth all our while. So what will it be?

All: Poker!

Instructor: Ok, let’s get started.

Ok, you know the Jeff fans are gonna hate me. I guess the excuse I can come up with is, I changed Jeff in for his evil twin? LOL.


Previously in AMC…

Instructor: That’s it! All you report back here first thing tomorrow morning!
Matt: But tomorrow is Saturday.

Instructor: I don’t give a damn! I guess you won’t be able to sleep in till 11. I expect you back here tomorrow 8 sharp. DISMISSED!

Instructor: I brought Hammond here, to join us for a game of poker, since my class doesn‘t…(Mike stops and looks over at Robby, who is sprawled out on the floor.) Jeff, what in the hell did you do to Robby?

JeffG: What he deserved. So we’re gonna play poker instead of being lectured?

Mike walks over to where Robby is slowly getting up. He helps Robby to his feet.

Instructor: Not exactly. (looks over at Jeff) Why did you beat up Robby?

Tony: (whispers to Jeff) Better forfeit now.

Jeff: Are you trying to start something with me?

Instructor: Enough. Look, it’s either this or back to the sit in the corner for time out. I figured we’d make this more worth all our while. So what will it be?

All: Poker!

Instructor: Ok, let’s get started.


They are all playing poker when the entire class goes silent.

Instructor: (to himself) Finally peace and quiet.

JeffG: I have a confession to make.

Instructor: (to himself) Spoke too soon.

Matt: That you actually have an evil twin?

All the guys laugh.

JeffG: (seriously) No. But close…

All the guys are silent again.

Jeff Gordon grabs at his face and starts pealing off a mask. Who he reveals as is Greg Biffle. Everyone is in shock.

Jeff Gordon wakes up gasping for air.

JeffG: Holy shit!

The clock alarm goes off so he gets up.

Meanwhile at Anger Management Class..

Instructor: Ok, it’s after 8 o ‘clock! Where the hell is everyone?

Clint Bowyer: Did you just say a bad word?

Instructor: Clint, I know you are a rookie and all but ‘hell’ is not a bad word. And where is Tony?

Carl: Late. He probably won’t show. I hear he is very lazy about this stuff.

Tony shows up at that moment.

Tony: That’s what you think. Might want to shut your trap while you have a chance, Flipper.

Instructor: Ok, cool it! Good morning, Tony. Nice of you to join us, at least some of you are capable of following through and showing up. Grant it twenty minutes late. Just don’t make it a habit, ok?

Tony takes a seat farthest away from both Clint and Carl.

Instructor: Tony. Do you by chance know where your other friends are?

Tony: I’m not their keepers so…no. Who are you expecting?

Instructor: Well we are missing, Robby, Jeff, Matt, Ryan and Kevin.

Matt: No you’re not. I’m here. So scratch me off the list.

Instructor: Ok, well where is…

Ryan: Ryan is right here. Not by choice.

Tony: Wake up on the wrong side of the bed?

Ryan: No, but you will if you don’t stop being a jackass!

Instructor: Enough! God, can’t you guys ever get along? Where is Robby?

Robby walks in out of breath.

Robby: How late am I?

Instructor: Plenty. Sit! So Kevin and Jeff. Well they will be fined if they don’t show in the next twenty minutes.

Tony: So what do we do in the meantime?

Instructor: Glad you asked. How about the incident in Pocono.

Jeff and Kevin walk in at the same time. Kevin takes a seat next to Tony while Jeff lingers at the entrance staring off someplace. Mr. Helton-Instructor notices and is the first to speak up.

Instructor: Jeff? Are ya gonna join us?

JeffG: (shakes his head) What? Oh. Yeah.

Instructor: What’s up? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.

JeffG: Oh, um, no, I’m fine.

He takes a seat in-between Carl and Clint.

Instructor: Okay, now that we are all here. Why don’t we talk about the last couple of weeks. Does anyone want to get anything off their chest, since we are here?

Carl raises his hand.

Carl: I have something I want to ask.

Instructor: Ok, go ahead Carl.

Carl: (looks over at Tony) Why did you spin out Clint? And collect me in the process?

Tony: Haven’t we been through this already? You being involved was a complete accident. Why don’t we talk about how you intentionally spun me on pit road? I mean to do it after the race is one thing but while in competition. You could’ve hurt someone.

Carl: I was mad and I know that was wrong to do but at…

Tony: (interrupts) So was your brain too slow to comprehend the stupid?

Carl: Hey, wait a minute!

Instructor: Stop it now! This is not what this is for!

Matt: Then what is this class for?

Kevin: I thought this was our chance to vent out our frustrations…

Robby: I thought we were here because we did something that NASCAR was against…

Clint: I have no idea why I’m here.

Tony looks at him like he is crazy.

Instructor: Ok, fine, for this particular class. You can say whatever you want that is bothering you about what NASCAR does, or a competitor’s doing.

Matt: Are you sure you want to release the hounds like that?


Bringing back Anger Management, a new season, a new STAR in A.M.

Drivers walk in to a room where they normally hold drivers meetings. But this was not a typical drivers meeting. Every driver who walked in had pink slips in their hands. One by one, they show up, very confused and irritated.

Jeff Gordon is the brave one to speak up first.

Jeff Gordon: What is going on?.

Mr. Helton-Instructor: Glad you asked. Sit. All of you!

They do.

Instructor: Now. It’s been a while since I’ve had to do this and a lovely way to start our 2009 season! Gentlemen, or lack their of…this is our NEW Anger Management Class!

They all groan.

Matt Kenseth: But why are we ALL here? I just won the Daytona 500! I have places to be!

Kyle Busch: (sarcastically) Aren’t we special?

Instructor: Shut it, Kyle! You aren’t thought very highly among you peers so I’d be careful!

Dale Jr: Yeah!

Instructor: Jr, I’d stay quiet too. We’ll get back to you soon enough! What am I gonna do with you boys?

Tony Stewart: Yes. What are you we gonna do with you guys?

Jeff: (confused) Tony, why are you standing next to Mr. Helton-Instructor?

Instructor: I’m glad you asked that, Jeff. (laughs a little) I can’t believe I’m saying this but Tony here is my sidekick. He will be my Co-Instructor this week.

All: WHAT?

Tony: It’s so weird being on this side of the coin this time. (warning) Don’t make me use my left hand today!

Instructor: (to Tony) Ok. Don’t make me regret this, Smoke!

Tony: Yeah, sorry. Force of habit.

Instructor: Fine. (to everyone) Who wants to start this session?

Kyle, Brian Vickers and Denny Hamlin raise their hands.

Instructor: Yes. Kyle.

Kyle: (stands) Yes. What the hell were you thinking Jr?!

Dale Jr stands.

Dale Jr: I’ll tell ya what, Kyle! Let me show…

Instructor: (interrupts) I’d be careful there, Jr.

Dale: (sighs) Fine.

He sits.

Instructor: What is this fire I see in you, Jr?

Jr: I’m tired of being the nice guy. I’m done losing.

Instructor: Good. But just know your limits, k? I do not want you to be the star in this classroom. But since Kyle asked; What were you thinking?

Jr: Vickers was blocking me and I wasn’t havven it!

Kyle: So you take out the entire field?!

Jr: You should talk! Boy, don’t even get me started on you! Look it was an accident, K. Geez! Considering all the shit you start…

Brian Vickers: So now you are gonna finish it? My ass it was an accident! Yeah! And I’m the richest man in the world!

Tony: You don’t realize it Bri, but you just burned yourself.

Sporadic laughs among the drivers.

Matt: (not caring) Yeah. But why are we ALL here today?

Instructor: You’ve all had your screw ups. I want all of you to realize I mean business with these meetings. But normally these things turn into a comedy act…

Just as Mr. Helton says that, Kevin Harvick continues tapping on the back of Greg Biffle’s chair.

Greg Biffle: (turns to Kevin) Would you STOP that!

Kevin Harvick: (still tapping) Stop what?

Greg: This! (demonstrates on Kevin’s shoulder)

Kevin: (warning) DON’T touch me!

Instructor: (sighs) Oh, for heaven’s sake!

Greg: (ignoring the Instructor) Maybe try that method on the track!

Kevin: Want me to?

Instructor: What is the point? (looks at Tony for help)

Tony: (catching the hint; yells) Quiet!


Tony: You guys treat this as a joke!

Robby Gordon: You should talk?

Tony: What was that, Robby?

Robby: Oh…Did..I say that out loud? Whoops.

Tony: Look. Yes. I did have my ‘fun’ but I did take Anger Management Classes seriously and I DID learn a lot. Yes, I, sometimes lose it but being a co-owner and driver, I’ve learned the control has to be better handled. This class is not needed for all but I think, Mr. Helton wants everyone to learn here. So stop screwing around! Go ahead, Mike.

Instructor: Thank you. Now that I can begin this session.. If there is anymore spinning others, rough drafting, not only will you be fined and black flagged, I will consider parking you too. I feel like I have to continue repeating myself here. I do not want payback on the track. If you have a problem with another, take it outside NASCAR premises. (pauses) I know I’ve said that before.

Tony: Yes. You have, and I said something like so we should kick each other off the track?

Instructor: Yes, you did. And no you should not. Also note to Jr, do not state your threats on the radio either.

All: (robotic) Yes, Mr. Helton-Instructor.

Instructor: I think I am having deja vu all over again.(sarcastically) Now we are off and running..

Flipping thru his book.

Instructor: Ok…next order of business…

Ryan Newman: (stands) Can I say something?

Instructor: Go ahead, Ryan.

Ryan: This has been a shit week for me.

Kevin: (quietly) That’s gonna cost ya..

Ryan: (to Kevin) I don’t care. Tony. I’m glad that we are friends and teammates but this better not happen all season.

Tony: It won’t.

Ryan: Good. Then why are my cars crap?

Tony: It’s because you have to get used to a Chevy.

A moment.

Kevin: (to Instructor) Aren’t you gonna charge him?

Instructor: No.

Ryan: What?

All: What?!

Instructor: You’ve had a tough couple of weeks. I’m gonna give you a pass… this time.

Ryan: Wow. Thanks.

Everyone talks over each other.

R.G./Kev/Kyle: What?/How is that fair?/No way!

Jr: Where is my refund?

Jeff: Yeah! You gonna pay us all back?

Instructor: (over everyone who is yelling) ENOUGH! I swear it’s like you guys get younger every week! (louder) New rules! Listen UP!


I might continue this again soon.

Go back HOME

  1. That is a funny act
    You did a good job

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s